Four Outlooks on a Rainy Night
by Chou
Summary: The outlooks of the Sanzo-ikkou on a cold, rainy night.
1. Gojyo

Four Outlooks on a Rainy Night  
  
By Chou  
  
Disclaimers: I do not own Gensoumaden Saiyuki. Or Saiyuki Gaiden. I'm just a humble fan who writes fanfics. Don't sue me, onegai shimasu.  
  
Note: Inspired by episodes 15-16 of the anime. Takes place in the anime continuity until I get the part of the manga where Gojyo meets Jien again. Then I'll edit it to comply with that, since the manga's almost always better than the anime.  
  
Chapter 1 – Gojyo  
  
Damn rain.  
  
The rain's coming down hard. It's a cold rain too. The kind that gets into your bones and doesn't go away till morning. Unless you've got a warm woman to chase that chill away. Won't make you any drier though, if you catch my drift. But, unfortunately, I don't have a woman with me, and there isn't one for miles. Instead, I'm stuck in a tent with a pissy worldly monk who's packing heat, a monkey with more stomach than brains, and Hakkai. There's no short phrase to describe Hakkai. A smiling, friendly guy who fusses over the rest of us like a mother hen on the outside and who knows what on the inside. Nobody I know can read what's behind those green eyes of his, or behind that smile. And yet, he reads the rest of us like a book. Especially me and the monk. It doesn't take much effort to tell what the monkey's thinking. There's only one time where he loses the smile for a while, barring fighting crazed fortune tellers out to break his mind, and that's when there's rain. The worst night of his life happened in the rain. If nothing else, the night I found him lying face down in the rain, with a bunch of his guts hanging outside his belly was a night with rain like this. I took him home, shoved his insides back into his body and put him in my bed. As I told him when he finally woke up, that was the first and only time I put a guy in my bed. Anyway, right now, this group I'm with, which is usually loud enough to wake the dead until the monk steps in, is getting depressed out of their skulls, me included. Hakkai and the monk are depressed because of the bad memories the rain brings, and in the monk's case, the lack of travel time as well. The monkey's depressed because the monk is, and he's hungry, but he knows that if he says he's hungry, it'll cost him big time. And me, I'm depressed because the quiet moments like this are making me think about all the shit I've gone through. I'm not usually one to brood or dwell, either. Che, who am I kidding myself? The only reason I chase skirts is so I won't have to be alone to think about shit.  
  
Guess it's one of the little things in our group: none of us are very honest. We're blunt as hell, but not honest. Well, the monkey is, but he doesn't know not to be. We all have things in our pasts that left their scars, one way or another. Kinda the thread that bonds us together. Hell, there's no other explanation for why four guys like us would stay together to sing a song ('Specially the bozu, who's like a tiger with boils on his ass most of the time), let alone do what the Powers That Be charged us to. But anyway, back to the pain and angsty stuff. I'm not to sure what's gone down in the pasts of the others, besides a few details. They know about my brother, and as far as I know, only Hakkai knows about my mom.  
  
My mom, who put three scars on my cheek and tried to kill me.  
  
My mom, who cried whenever she looked at me, because I reminded her that my dad did the nasty with a human enough to knock her up, producing me.  
  
My mom, who didn't kill me because my half brother Jien, who was her son, put a sword through her so his little bastard brother would live.  
  
You know, first time I saw Jien after he did it, we didn't talk about it. He told me he was going by a new name, we swapped a "I don't dig your lifestyle man, let's duke it out." and started fighting. What the hell? No tearful reunion, no brotherly love, nothing. Did he forget he killed his own freaking mother for me? What the bloody hell was up with that? He just looked at me calmly, like nothing had gone down between us.  
  
A long time ago, I found living so easy it made me want to puke. I'm almost wishing I could be back at the bar, cheating Tonpu or whoever came by out of their cash, and having a warm girl in my bed if I wanted.  
  
But hell, on the other hand, if life wasn't throwing me curves half the time, I would've never met Hakkai. Or Goku, the saru, for that matter. Hell, I'd even have missed out on meeting the Great Sanzo-sama. Heaven forbid that.  
  
And also, if not for a night like this, three years ago, I would've never found a guy lying face down in a muddy puddle, bleeding to a death he was waiting for. The guy who became my best friend, would've been dead as a doornail. I guess sometimes, life's curves aren't that bad.  
  
Hell, listen to myself...I'm starting to think like the monk, all moody, and depressed and whatever. Next thing you know, a chakra's gonna appear on my head and bozu great and small'll be calling me a Sanzo.  
  
To hell with this, I'm going to sleep, or at least I can pretend to. Maybe if I try hard enough, I can dream I'm not the screwed up half breed I am. Or maybe I'll dream I've got a warm girl by my side, or maybe some good beer in my belly, not this piss in a can we've had for days without a fridge. Hell, maybe I'll see if I can start a game of cards with Hakkai, even though he's better than me, no matter how I cheat. Maybe I'll even tempt death and invite the bozu in.  
  
Anything to get me out of this damn funk I caught from the others. I know that if I spend another second like this, I'll go nuts.  
  
Damn rain. 


	2. Hakkai

Four Outlooks on a Rainy Night  
  
By Chou  
  
Chapter 2 – Hakkai  
  
My, my…it is certainly raining hard tonight. I'm glad we got the tent set up before the rain really came down.  
  
If we had waited any longer, I don't think I'd have been able to help. The rain is…unpleasant for me.  
  
It's quiet in this tent. On one hand, it is a welcome respite from the usual noise our little group causes. On the other hand, something to distract me from the rain would be even more welcome, I think. But, the rain is affecting us all in some way, so there is silence. And so, I stare out the little screen window in the side of the tent, seemingly watching the rain. I listen to the rain battering the roof of the tent I share with my companions. I just sit there, listening to the staccato sound of rain on canvas and stare out into space. The rain brings back memories I'd rather not have brought up. So I listen, and try not to think, try not to let the memories come.  
  
It doesn't work.  
  
I see Kanan's face. She's smiling, and her smile takes my breath away. I miss her. It's been three years, and I still miss her.  
  
It's odd. One would think the pain would fade slightly after three years. Instead, it's just changed, from a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest to a dull emptiness in my shriveled heart.  
  
Sometimes, I want to cry at the unfairness of it. Sometimes I want to rage for the same reason.  
  
Sometimes, on my worst nights, usually nights like these, I want to die. On better nights like these, I only wonder if I would have been better off dead.  
  
After all, I'm a murderer. I killed half my village. I killed a thousand youkai, and their blood covered me. Changed me. The skin of a monster to match the soul of one.  
  
I lost that which I held closer to my heart than all else. Sister. Lover. My soul.  
  
For my crimes, wouldn't I be better off dead? Would the world really miss a mass murderer? I doubt it.  
  
And yet…  
  
There are times when I want to live.  
  
I want to live because Goku needs me to feed him and fuss over him.  
  
I want to live because Sanzo trusts me to live, and not betray him.  
  
I want to live because I don't want Gojyo's efforts to be for nothing.  
  
I want to live because I need to atone for my sins, not by death, but by living.  
  
When I fell into the rain soaked mud, my intestines reaching the ground before I did, I expected to die. When the Crow Clan member caught up to me for revenge, I expected to die. When Sanzo took me to the Temple, I expected to die.  
  
But when I fell, Gojyo lifted me and nursed back to health. When the Crow Clan member caught up with me, I saved myself. And when I was taken to the temple, I was given new life.  
  
The criminal Cho Gonou was discarded. For all intents and purposes, he is dead. The man who walked out of that temple is named Cho Hakkai. I am that man.  
  
It's odd…when I returned to Gojyo, his hair was cut so short I barely recognized him. Granted, his red hair was easy to recognize, but such a change was a bit of a surprise. Sanzo later told me he cut that hair when he thought I had died in that Temple. I was touched.  
  
It was a beautiful day that day. As I think of it, a genuine smile comes across my face. It is not the somewhat empty smile I usually have on. A rare occurrence that I smile genuinely. And on a rainy night, it is unprecedented. Just goes to show how much I've changed since that rainy night three years ago. I suppose I can blame it on my companions. They're so unique, one can't help but me changed by them.  
  
Sha Gojyo. Ladies' man. Gambler. Half breed. Friend. Savior. A man who pulled me from the brink of Hell and forced me to live in a proletarian Heaven.  
  
Son Goku. Naïve. Innocent. Loyal. Trusting. Locked away in a cave, not seeing the sun for 500 years for a crime so horrible he can't remember it, and he still trusts easily.  
  
Genjo Sanzo. Shrewd. Foul mannered. Ill tempered. Building walls around his heart so that nothing could ever hurt him again like his past.  
  
An odd group to go on a mission for the gods.  
  
But then, the gods let a blood soaked sinner have a second chance, so who am I to judge. 


	3. Goku

Four Outlooks on a Rainy Night By Chou  
  
Chapter 3 - Goku  
  
I'm hungry.  
  
That's nothing new, I'm pretty much always hungry. I don't know why I'm always so hungry. I tried asking Hakkai once, since Hakkai knows just about everything. He said it's probably cause I didn't eat for 500 years. I guess that makes sense. I don't really remember being hungry. Then again, I don't really want to remember anything about that cave. You know the scariest thing about that cave? If it weren't for Sanzo, I might still be up there, forever and ever and ever. That would really suck.  
  
Wow.it's raining really hard out there. Sanzo and Hakkai looks pretty upset. I wonder why they hate the rain? I wish they'd tell me, since I really hate secrets. Maybe if they're feeling better tomorrow (as better as Sanzo gets anyway), I'll bug them to tell me.  
  
Bored, bored, bored, bored.I'm so bored. I wish Hakkai would smile like he usually does. I'd even settle for Sanzo being a grouch. The way it's all quiet and sad in here.reminds me of that cave. I never, ever, ever want to feel that way again. Never, ever in a million years.  
  
I wish I could remember why I was put in that cave in the first place. I must've done something really, really bad. Sometimes, I have these dreams where there's these guys that look like Sanzo, Hakkai, and Goyjo, but not. Like the Sanzo looking guy, he's got long hair that looks like the sun and wears white. The Hakkai looking guy also has long hair, but he's also got glasses and wears a lab coat, and doesn't have the same sad look in his eyes like Hakkai does if you look carefully. And the Goyjo guy's got short hair and wears some sort of leather uniform. It's really weird. And also, there's this other kid, about my age. He's got dark hair and he wears these weird robes. He kinda feels.like an old friend. They all do, kinda. It's really weird. I'd tell Sanzo or Hakkai about them, but Sanzo'd look at me funny, and Hakkai would worry. Nah, it's not worth them getting upset just to tell them about my really weird dreams.  
  
You know, Sanzo acts all mean, and like he doesn't care about any of us, but I think he's not convincing of it sometimes. Like, if he really was annoyed that I called him, which I didn't, he would've hit me with that fan like he usually does. He didn't have to save me. I wasn't begging or anything. But he did. And then when that crazy monk tired to kill us, and was gonna kill me, Sanzo pushed me out of the way.and got stabbed really bad. I don't remember too much of what happened after that, but anyway, if he really didn't care about me, he wouldn't have done that, right? So, even though Sanzo acts all closed up, he's got a heart. Somewhere. I think.  
  
I hate not having my memories. It's really, really frustrating. Like those weird dream guys I was talking about. Who are they, and why are they in my head, and why do they look like Sanzo and the others, and what's with that kid, why can't I remember, why was I in that cave, and, and.I dunno, just why? It's really unfair.  
  
Man, all this thinking is making me hungrier.maybe I can grab some food without Sanzo noticing.  
  
Though I wish he would notice for some reason. At least he'd be responding to something.  
  
This rain's depressing, like the sky's crying or something. I wish it would cheer up, cause then Sanzo and Hakkai and even Gojyo would too.  
  
I'm hungry.  
  
I'm lonely.  
  
This really sucks. 


	4. Sanzo

Four Outlooks on a Rainy Night By Chou  
  
Chapter 4 - Sanzo  
  
I hate this damn rain.  
  
I hate any damn rain really. Wet and cold, pouring, pissy and drizzly, doesn't matter. If it's rain, I hate it. I've hated the rain with a passion since I was a child. I hate the rain because the only person I've ever looked up to went down in a spray of blood on a rainy night and every time it rains I can feel his blood hit my face and see his arm fly across the room as he crumples into a bleeding and dead husk. That's why I hate this damn rain and any other types of rain that may drop from the sky like the piss of the gods.  
  
If the rain is the piss of the gods, this mission is their shit. Why the bloody hell did they choose me of all people to go on this damn trip? And why with them? Goku, I can understand: I don't think they could have stopped him. I sure as hell couldn't when they assigned me to bring Cho Gonou to them. Ever since I grabbed him from that cave so he'd stop calling my damn name, he hasn't let me out of his sight. It drives me nuts, most of the time. I wonder, was I like that to Sanzohoshi? No. Of course not.  
  
Speaking of Cho Gonou.no, it's Hakkai now; he's sitting two yards from me staring out into the rain with a vacant expression because he's probably seeing his sister, lover, whatever knifing herself on a rainy night because she was carrying a youkai child. I assume the gods want me of all people to rehabilitate Hakkai. So that makes plausible reasons for Goku and Hakkai.  
  
But Gojyo? I could write it off as he's coming with Hakkai, those two are bloody inseparable, but it also makes perfect sense that the gods want to piss me off some more. Gojyo is loud, crude, obnoxious, and he makes Goku make twice the noise as usual. The only way I can justify not shooting him, is that: a). I did that already when Chin Isou decided to get his jollies off of making Hakkai suffer. b). If I did, Hakkai would mope, and he's actually useful. I just have to satisfy myself with trying to crack his head open with my fan.  
  
I swear, the next time the gods want something done, they can do it themselves or shove it up their collective ethereal asses.  
  
Well, shit. My cigs are wet. I could bum one off of Gojyo; I could also bite my tongue out and die. Neither one's really an option here. So, it's raining, my cigarettes are wet, and I'm stuck in a tent with two and a half idiots. What else could possibly go wrong?  
  
"Ne, Sanzo! I'm hungry!"  
  
I had to ask, didn't I? 


	5. A Brief Epilogue and Author's Notes

Four Outlooks on a Rainy Night By Chou  
  
A Brief Epilogue  
  
The rain had passed by morning, and the only signs left of it were the puddles that Hakuryuu drove through. Hakkai drove pleasantly, as if he hadn't been reliving a personal hell last night. He had given Goku food to keep the boy quiet for a while, and Gojyo simply stared out the side of the jeep , cigarette unnoticed and unlit in his mouth. And Sanzo? Sanzo was catching up on the sleep he hadn't gotten the night prior. It was a bit funny, Hakkai thought, that the only price Sanzo visibly seemed to pay for a rainy night was during the morning after. And so they drove, towards the setting sun. There would be other rains, and other pains with them. But for now, the sky was clear, the road smooth, and the occupants quiet. It wasn't much, but it would have to do.  
  
----------------------  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Oi. First off, I'd like to thank everyone who gave me a good review, in short, everyone who reviewed. This being my first fic, I wasn't sure how it would be received, and quite frankly, you guys blew me away with how well this fic was taken. So, thanks a ton.  
  
That said, I would like to apologize for the shortness of the fic in general, and the epilogue in particular.  
  
Now, as for what's next from me, as a few of you have asked, well, I'm not sure. My next fic will most likely be for One Piece, and if it gets half the great reception this fic did, I'll be happier than a saru with a meatbun. Ok, that was lame, sorry.  
  
And a half-thanks/annoyance to the person who pointed out (humbly, I might add) that Hakuryuu doesn't have windows. That's been fixed.  
  
Once again, thanks to everyone who reviewed, I dedicate this fic to you, and the individual chapters to those who said "I hope you do _____!" 


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